Dedicated to Inspired Expressions of Life's Energy
Relationships are a Spiritual Journey by Bob Reber Nature's Pathways - February 2011
Relationships seem to be on everyone’s mind, and not just in February. It’s amazing how often questions about relationships come up in readings and conversations people have with my wife, Lisa and I. This really doesn’t surprise me. After all, we all want a deep connection with another who will accept and love us for who we are; the good and the not so good. The struggle comes as we temporarily exist in this physical world where duality, comparison and judgment reign supreme. A good example of this is when a minister approached me and told me that I needed to reign in my wife. That her voicing her opinion was not appropriate and I needed to corral her and she should be obedient to me. Ironically, this has happened two additional times with other ministers as well. Fortunately, I never took their advice. After all, as the famed mythologist and intellectual Joseph Campbell explained to Bill Moyers, “Marriage is not a simple love affair, it’s an ordeal, and that ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one.” If I had taken their advice it would have been an enforcing of and not a sacrificing of my ego, or will; then again, it could have been their will and ego they wanted her to comply with. We are very messy beings when we are being human. We would rather stand in judgment of others’ idiosyncrasies, flaws, ideas and beliefs as opposed to sacrifice our own ego for the betterment of the relationship. This is very true within relationships, especially marriages. A few years ago I was complaining to Lisa that I wasn’t being appreciated at work or at home. She immediately shouted at me to get over my ‘pity party’ and then said, “You never thank me for cleaning your (expletive) toilet!” It was at this moment that I instinctively sacrificed my ego, took her in my arms, looked her in the eyes and sincerely thanked her for cleaning my toilet. Then we had a good laugh. Not a week has gone by since that I haven’t thanked her for performing the task. This letting go of the ego to the relationship is not a bad thing; it definitely lessens the ordeal. If there is mutual respect and value within the relationship, the moments when we disagree forces the natural progression of ego deflation. Of course, the arguments, bickering, difference of opinions and general banter that happens is part of the process.Focusing on this strengthens the ego, while viewing this lightly aids in the surrendering. None of us enjoy letting go of our opinions and beliefs easily, so find something to laugh about during the process. Last summer, Lisa and I were in a major home improvement store and were bickering about what type of posts to have on the new deck I was going to build. She wasn’t in the mood to be there and I needed her opinion and the store clerk’s knowledge on how to assemble them. In the middle of our ping pong bantering match, Lisa stopped midsentence, looked at the clerk and said, “Don’t worry, this is just foreplay,” and then finished her comment to me. Just like that the argument was over and I selected the posts and made the purchase, as the poor clerk looked on in horror and astonishment. Another way to move away from the ego is to keep the bigger picture in mind. That bigger picture is that relationship itself is a part of our spiritual journey. When we are truly committed to another and look into their eyes and see the mirror of our own soul reflected back, we can begin to look deeper into ourselves through them. The key is that we are willing to see ourselves within the ordeal and to sacrifice our ego while doing so. The idea of other people and life’s obstacles being mirrors for us to look into our soul is not a new concept. This concept is recorded within the ancient Hebrew texts and was practiced by the Essenes, a Jewish religious group. Within these texts it outlines a spiritual practice in which we can deepen our relationships by seeing them as a reflection of ourselves. Unfortunately, the idea that our relationships and especially marriage is a spiritual practice has passed away. We have stripped meaning from our rituals and the quality of our relationships reflects this. A young couple came to us recently for some guidance in their marriage. They had had some counseling prior to their wedding and as they are expecting a second child, they are struggling with their relationship. We asked them to write out what their definition of marriage is, along with what it is to be a wife and a husband. The interesting thing is, they wrote about the roles each should play and not the essence of what each should be.There wasn’t any aspect of being partners in spirit with each other or on a soul journey together. It wasn’t amazing to us that their relationship turned around when they began to use some simple tools along with humor to sacrifice their egos and started viewing their marriage as a spiritual journey. Make your relationship a spiritual journey, lesson the ordeal, sacrifice your ego and create a soul filled relationship that is enjoyed.
